I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
