I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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