I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
