Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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