Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
