if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Life is so much better after having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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