Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
