There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
