Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
