He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
