No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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