they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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