You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
