Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
