the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
