So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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