Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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