My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
