is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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