I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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