Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
