why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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