The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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