she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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