she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
