i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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