Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
