Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
being pregnant is like rehab
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
