Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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