She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
