Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
