my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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