Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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