I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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