I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
