dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
