You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
