I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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