your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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