i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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