I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Randomize
