I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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