My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
