I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
