3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
