so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
