Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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