Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
