I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
