matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
