the condom got lost in my hair
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
