i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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