You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
