Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
