I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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