Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
this hospital has no fireball
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
