The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
