somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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