Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
